It seems like last friday was already only a few inches ago! The week passed quickly, thank goodness. This weekend I plan to bake bread, buy coffee and paint. Also, play guitar, sleep a little bit, read, tidy, write school entrance essays and sew. And do laundry.

I want to go here more than anything.

Choice and consequence

I did not go to class tonight. I didn't go last week either. I have a philosophy. Every day in our life is a series of choices, and every choice has consequences. As a thoughtful, engaged person, it it is one's own responsibility to consider those choices and consequences and whether you are willing to live with them. Not going to class might have some bad consequences, e.g. guilt feelings, doing poorly in the class and being embarrassed for myself, making my group partner angry, etc. However, I am prepared to live with those in exchange for not having to go sit through a marketing class on a cold cold rainy night. Instead I got to come home and change into warm clothes and eat a delicious dinner and hang out with my roommates and make some yummy kasha-eggplant-tomato wonder for lunch tomorrow and then watch the Office. See, those are good consequences.

I would like to take a moment to mention my giant hard-on for the Cars.

And I mean that quite literally.

Oh god!

I got no time for sorrow

I got a new armoire, dvd player and cd player today, with a jack for my iPod. My dad took me shopping, he's so so nice. It's his birthday next weekend so I got to get him something really nice. He also brought me back some face stuff from California, made with Dead Sea salt, and those make my skin sooo soft. It was really adorable. The armoire has big dark dark brown doors on it, and I'm going to paint it with beautiful designs.

Today was a really nice day. Why shouldn't they all be like this? I don't feel like myself anymore, I feel like I'm never in control of any situation, like some drunk girl spinning around on the edges of everything trying to get everyone's attention but not making any sense and losing respect every minute. I feel like I've gone so out of control and everyone can see it and that I'm not myself and pity me and like I'm embarrassing myself. So I talked to my new roommate about it because I felt like I had made an especially awful impression on her, made her think she had moved in with some hopeless aimless too-much noisy drunk losing her grip girl. And she reassured me that she didn't think that at all. So it would appear that I am just paranoid and a little nuts and probably much too dramatic, but I can stop all that. I am sure that I can go back to my normal self if I simply stop letting myself dwell on all these things and exaggerate them and let them blow up up and fill my head. That's all it is. I'm so tired of being angry and mean all the time. So I'll stop and let my normal, good warm calm cool and collected self back in.

It may help to change jobs, or at least try to do something to improve this one, so I'm working on it.

I just overheard my roommate's friend telling a story about someone they know who said "I'm over depression. I just don't have time for it". And that is exactly what I think. I just have no reason to deal with that shit, or put myself in that silly place. Why bother? I don't need that. I have tons of stuff I love to do, so screw you blues.

Angry Dawn

O!K! Today was much better. In the morning I got a bit angry. I was listening to Le Tigre, quite natural for an angry girl, and I realised that NOBODY is going to ruin all my every days like this. Especially not a stupid job in a stupid office full of brainless hens, goddamit. If I'm going to go nuts it will be on my own goddam terms so screw you you damn job! Screw you, damn office workers! And now I feel much better.

I had less than usual to do today, so I read, and looked at the internet. Well, if you are going to hire someone for a job that doesn't really exist, deal with it. Take that.

Anyway, that's it. I've had an angry awakening that I hope will last and I will stop being so dwelly about myself and my rotten job and rotten personality and move on to something else. Boys, maybe? I've missed those for the past year or so.