Friday afternoon

The library: I ate there, I slept there. I layed in the stacks until after dark.

I think that when I live in Sweden...

I will get strong with shiny skin from bicycling in the sun
I will run around an island in the archipelago in spring
and my hair will pour out golden from my head, nourished on the strange smörgås I will build and the fish I will be fed from the seas
I`ll learn to speak in a funny sing-song way and the first book I will read will be by Astrid Lindgren
And in the endless summer light I will glow and leap and fill myself and learn to swim and dance and wander little roads

The book I will read on the plane:























The going-away party I will have:

heavy metal

I feel like this conversation would be easy to have if only I could start it.

Yesterday my roommate and I went to a friend's for dinner. She made us a delicious spiced lentil soup and I brought this cake:



It was a really simple recipe that I found here:

Then I melted the rest of the chocolate with some cream and spread it on top to attach the raspberries. It was moist and heavenly delicious!

If you're feeling sinister

I received a postecard from That One earlier this week. It was on wednesday. It was from New York, Brooklyn. A 5.30 am I fell asleep with my hand on it, tucked under my pillow.

I didn't think I read anything into it but I saw today that he sent something to another old friend as well and my stomach fell.

In high school, when I was away from town at my mum's on the weekend, I would wait for his messages on msn. I still can't stand the sound of the old msn notification because it makes my stomach clutch with the same nervous anticipation. At night falling asleep I would imagine him in bed next to me, arm around me. I still do.

He has a girlfriend now, I know, tho he's never mentioned her to me. Maybe he has but slipped it by by referring to "a friend".

Near the end of "Raus aus der Haut" the boy who looks like him, who longed for years for a girl who looks like I did, finally kisses her and they sleep together. I cried in the library at that scene, silently, deep in my viewing booth. He never knew how to do that and neither did I. Sitting next to him sending telepathic messages that said "okay, now put your arm around me like this..." was insufficient.



We've only even hugged two or three times in our lives. Once in a car full of our friends on the way to a party, we were four in the back seat. So we had to squish in together and he was very close to me, his leg almost on top of mine. After someone got out we were only three and there was room to spread out but he didn't. It was a moment I analysed at length afterwards. Out ineptness seems comical. We were both such teenagers, neither of us feeling very attractive, and so unsure of ourselves.

Instead, after high school we sent each other mail which we nervously signed with "love from" hoping it would either pass by as a casual, habitual gesture or else be correctly noticed and interpreted.

There was one weekend when he came to visit me in montreal and I thought it was time to make all those things that ought to have happened occur, but instead something went wrong and stayed that way for months, too long.

Now he has this girlfriend and someone else who is where I should be.

At the art gallery we both wanted to visit the model ships room first. He goes to estate sales and open houses to look at beautiful things, likes mail as I do, mailed me a big band album with my favourite song on it, sits in parks in new york, drinks soy milk.

I want to feel his hand on my waist but it is too late now.

Luckily nobody knows about this and as long as they never do it will all be fine.

Good morning!

Last night was a very fine partynight.



We went to my favourite place, called Strangelove.



My roommate and I went with our friend Oliver.



He's a good dancer.





Then we went to an afterhours.



You aren't supposed to take pictures there because it's a secret location, but I did anyway.



I wanted to take a picture of this poster so that I would remember to watch the film. I got yelled at for that!

We got home at 5.30 am. Then I woke up for school at 9.00. I wasn't even tired! I always feel so accomplished when that happens. I got to do everything I wanted: play party all night and still make it to school happy and not tired!



For school I dressed like this, in my new sweater from H&M. In the background you can see there is a picture of me that my roommate took for her thesis project.

Tomorrow I have no classes but I have to go to the library anyway and do lots and lots of work.

And tomorrow I will finally tell you about Raus aus der Haut.

I get so tired of all my clothes lately... especially because there's nothing good for this new spring weather. So yesterday I went shopping, and I love everything I got so much!

So this is what I wore today:


minidress, H&M
grey tights, H&M
and a ribbon in my hair.



I found this note on my dresser so I knew I must follow its directive.

I forgot my tripod at my dad's house! So I had to take a silly picture like this. Hope you don't mind!



Happy Sunny Wednesday!

There are so many things I have to tell today! I will have to divide it in parts

1. Briefly, about living in a murderzone again.
2. I went shopping!
3. About the film I watched today!

1. There was a stabbing right outside my apartment at two am last night. My roommate saw the pool of blood when coming home! This morning there was police tape everywhere, and a cop told me "you're in my crime zone". Whadda smartass. This is the second time I've lived in a murderzone! The first time was after the Dawnson College shooting...

Here I am about to cross the crime-tape. I don't like this one...

Onto brighter things!

2. All day long I kept thinking about how desperately I want to go shopping. When I was in the metro leaving school I realised, silly me, Yorkdale mall is right there! So I got out of the metro and went shopping for a couple of hours. It was really nice. That mall is so big and full of lovely stores. I shopped just at H&M, and got three dresses and a new cardigan! Then I looked in Sephora for a while but didn't get anything. I got some new tights, and a new lipstick too. Yay!



(Sorry for this bad photo! I'll soon get some of me wearning these nice things)

3. I watched a teriffic German film today called "Changing Skins" (Raus aus der Haut). But I will save it for tomorrow to tell why I really liked it... (hint: it is not a very cultured reason but a little bit sad and romantic).

Oh look!

I just found this and I like it so much! What a good trick this person did!
I love this song so, so much, it is very one of my favourites. And the part where they are dancing on the stage, I love so much too! What a nice combination.

Today I did a silly thing!
I slept through my alarm, three hours too late, and I woke up just half an hour before my class!!! It takes one hour or more to get to school! And I had a paper due!!! Ahhh!!! So I raced there... and found out the paper is really due next monday now! Oh well, lots of time to perfect it!



But if you were to ask me what I love right now and makes me so happy...

it is late-night meeting with a friend for fries and wine and gossip. Sadly, I didn't bring my camera because... I'll admit, I didn't want to take any pictures with me in them, because I looked not-so-sweet.

But it turned out our snack was incredibly photogenic and I REGRET my lack of camera!
So now that I know we will have to go back for more.

As well as a new notebook from the school bookstore today, one of my favourite things.

This weekend I went to my dad's place in Hamilton so that I could study and write a paper.


First I drove in the car with these two old hippies, my dad and his friend. Shhh, don't tell the cops they are smoking a joint!


This is the view of Burlington.



It was that kind of weather.





When I got there I did crosswords, ate ice cream and took pictures of my favourite book.



I wore slippers all weekend and went grocery shopping.

My paper got almost finished.



Finally I had to head home. Sad! Being at dad's is so fun, relaxing and productive!

Things I like today:

+Listening to Legal Man and Judy is a Dick Slap on repeat



+Friends who loan you rubber boots and socks to get home in the rain, after you have gone out in suede shoes that aren't supposed to get wet

+weekly TV and spring roll dates that make you laugh and laugh

+Getting an "A" in a class I thought I'm failing

+York Commons is positively arcadian in these first days of spring

+A new book on learning Swedish

+Going to Sweden of course!!!