Then I just watched the clock tick around for a while.

My grandfather trained to be an accountant, and could worry over real things, study hard numbers and maths and ledgers, with a real purpose in mind.  Here I am poring over texts, while the sun sets behind me at 3pm, after shining all day for the first time in weeks, trying to write a paper of some kind and mould my slumbering little mind into some kind of genius-ness.  I wish I could just nap.

                                                                  I L O V E Y O U 

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU 

White night gown, soft dark hair, lying in bed not reading. Listening to Devendra, thinking about walking home, golden maple leaves in the air above us, paths through school yards and damp tree branches and old streams and lawns and gardens. Driving through old towns, biking along old roads, orchards, vineyards, front yards, basketball hoops.

I want to grow up and live in a farm house and write some-things.

things I do:

lay in bed for an hour, put contacts in take contacts out, polish nails, take polish off, pin hair up and let it down again. powder face, line eyes, smooth mascara, rub it off again.
wash clothes, wash hair, wash dishes, cycle to school, read seven theory books, read twelve novels or more, take photos of red berries, magpies, treetops, get film developed, ride elevators, read old magazines, pretend its the 50s 60s, watch films, imagine films I'd record, eat snacks, fix lunch, not speaking swedish, read german one page one word at a time, forget it all, read it again, check novels out of the library for future reading, stack books, tidy desk, look out the window, pretend to be elegant and literary, wish for a math brain, think about science, drink beers, write papers, watch the sun set at 3 pm, playing cards, carrying an umbrella, forgetting gloves, walking to class, pronouncing strange vowels, gazing admiringly into windows of apartments and houses, adore lovely houses, get lost in the stacks, sing in the shower, wish to be in montreal, listen to the beatles, re-read postcards, photograph myself, play chess, play hearts, make tea, make coffee, make more tea & coffee all day long, think about old people, listen to piano music, turn on the radio, ponder how things could turn out differently, get sick, get well, hang around an ink well, imitate aunts, draw in a small book, think about sewing, remember old bedrooms & sinks, analyze passages, make the bed, turn down the sheets.

a lovely swedish saturday:

wandering in the drizzle to pick up books and drop off film and admire perfectly appointed windowsills, peer in the windows of used bookshops (antiqvariat), marvel over perfect houses on rainy up and down streets, stop at the grocery store. Home, perfectly excellent tomato, onion + feta omelette for a late lunch, lounge drowsily on the couch reading the newspaper, top off with Cléo de 5 à 7

the things I saw if I'd only had my camera, a portrait of Bogart & Bergman in the corner of a windowsill, a basement record shop with three smiling old men around the counter, clinging green leaves.

I wish I had a movie camera.

Wonderful:

Seven days in Russia, an evening in a warm cavern-y pub, Christmas in Paris with a dearest friend, creamed spinach for dinner, wonderful classes, Woody Allen for cold Swedish evenings, a languid and lingering old-fashioned feelgood, discovering the best shelves and corners in bookstores and libraries, snowfall, scholarly excursions to Stockholm, liking to re-see my own photos, a pleasant and gentle home-sickly nostalgia, a dreamy afternoon with the sun shining golden on the field outside, everything lovely and fine.

+ cycling home in the snow

+ listening a swedish version of Take This Waltz in Max' burgers

extreme feelgood:

listening to Heavy Metal, watching a boy you might like cycle past, and a sextet of sparrows jump up onto a hedge all together, look around and fly off, and an old couple nordic-walks past, smiling at you in the fall air.

Friday afternoon

The library: I ate there, I slept there. I layed in the stacks until after dark.

I think that when I live in Sweden...

I will get strong with shiny skin from bicycling in the sun
I will run around an island in the archipelago in spring
and my hair will pour out golden from my head, nourished on the strange smörgås I will build and the fish I will be fed from the seas
I`ll learn to speak in a funny sing-song way and the first book I will read will be by Astrid Lindgren
And in the endless summer light I will glow and leap and fill myself and learn to swim and dance and wander little roads

The book I will read on the plane:























The going-away party I will have:

heavy metal

I feel like this conversation would be easy to have if only I could start it.

Yesterday my roommate and I went to a friend's for dinner. She made us a delicious spiced lentil soup and I brought this cake:



It was a really simple recipe that I found here:

Then I melted the rest of the chocolate with some cream and spread it on top to attach the raspberries. It was moist and heavenly delicious!

If you're feeling sinister

I received a postecard from That One earlier this week. It was on wednesday. It was from New York, Brooklyn. A 5.30 am I fell asleep with my hand on it, tucked under my pillow.

I didn't think I read anything into it but I saw today that he sent something to another old friend as well and my stomach fell.

In high school, when I was away from town at my mum's on the weekend, I would wait for his messages on msn. I still can't stand the sound of the old msn notification because it makes my stomach clutch with the same nervous anticipation. At night falling asleep I would imagine him in bed next to me, arm around me. I still do.

He has a girlfriend now, I know, tho he's never mentioned her to me. Maybe he has but slipped it by by referring to "a friend".

Near the end of "Raus aus der Haut" the boy who looks like him, who longed for years for a girl who looks like I did, finally kisses her and they sleep together. I cried in the library at that scene, silently, deep in my viewing booth. He never knew how to do that and neither did I. Sitting next to him sending telepathic messages that said "okay, now put your arm around me like this..." was insufficient.



We've only even hugged two or three times in our lives. Once in a car full of our friends on the way to a party, we were four in the back seat. So we had to squish in together and he was very close to me, his leg almost on top of mine. After someone got out we were only three and there was room to spread out but he didn't. It was a moment I analysed at length afterwards. Out ineptness seems comical. We were both such teenagers, neither of us feeling very attractive, and so unsure of ourselves.

Instead, after high school we sent each other mail which we nervously signed with "love from" hoping it would either pass by as a casual, habitual gesture or else be correctly noticed and interpreted.

There was one weekend when he came to visit me in montreal and I thought it was time to make all those things that ought to have happened occur, but instead something went wrong and stayed that way for months, too long.

Now he has this girlfriend and someone else who is where I should be.

At the art gallery we both wanted to visit the model ships room first. He goes to estate sales and open houses to look at beautiful things, likes mail as I do, mailed me a big band album with my favourite song on it, sits in parks in new york, drinks soy milk.

I want to feel his hand on my waist but it is too late now.

Luckily nobody knows about this and as long as they never do it will all be fine.

Good morning!

Last night was a very fine partynight.



We went to my favourite place, called Strangelove.



My roommate and I went with our friend Oliver.



He's a good dancer.





Then we went to an afterhours.



You aren't supposed to take pictures there because it's a secret location, but I did anyway.



I wanted to take a picture of this poster so that I would remember to watch the film. I got yelled at for that!

We got home at 5.30 am. Then I woke up for school at 9.00. I wasn't even tired! I always feel so accomplished when that happens. I got to do everything I wanted: play party all night and still make it to school happy and not tired!



For school I dressed like this, in my new sweater from H&M. In the background you can see there is a picture of me that my roommate took for her thesis project.

Tomorrow I have no classes but I have to go to the library anyway and do lots and lots of work.

And tomorrow I will finally tell you about Raus aus der Haut.

I get so tired of all my clothes lately... especially because there's nothing good for this new spring weather. So yesterday I went shopping, and I love everything I got so much!

So this is what I wore today:


minidress, H&M
grey tights, H&M
and a ribbon in my hair.



I found this note on my dresser so I knew I must follow its directive.

I forgot my tripod at my dad's house! So I had to take a silly picture like this. Hope you don't mind!



Happy Sunny Wednesday!

There are so many things I have to tell today! I will have to divide it in parts

1. Briefly, about living in a murderzone again.
2. I went shopping!
3. About the film I watched today!

1. There was a stabbing right outside my apartment at two am last night. My roommate saw the pool of blood when coming home! This morning there was police tape everywhere, and a cop told me "you're in my crime zone". Whadda smartass. This is the second time I've lived in a murderzone! The first time was after the Dawnson College shooting...

Here I am about to cross the crime-tape. I don't like this one...

Onto brighter things!

2. All day long I kept thinking about how desperately I want to go shopping. When I was in the metro leaving school I realised, silly me, Yorkdale mall is right there! So I got out of the metro and went shopping for a couple of hours. It was really nice. That mall is so big and full of lovely stores. I shopped just at H&M, and got three dresses and a new cardigan! Then I looked in Sephora for a while but didn't get anything. I got some new tights, and a new lipstick too. Yay!



(Sorry for this bad photo! I'll soon get some of me wearning these nice things)

3. I watched a teriffic German film today called "Changing Skins" (Raus aus der Haut). But I will save it for tomorrow to tell why I really liked it... (hint: it is not a very cultured reason but a little bit sad and romantic).

Oh look!

I just found this and I like it so much! What a good trick this person did!
I love this song so, so much, it is very one of my favourites. And the part where they are dancing on the stage, I love so much too! What a nice combination.

Today I did a silly thing!
I slept through my alarm, three hours too late, and I woke up just half an hour before my class!!! It takes one hour or more to get to school! And I had a paper due!!! Ahhh!!! So I raced there... and found out the paper is really due next monday now! Oh well, lots of time to perfect it!



But if you were to ask me what I love right now and makes me so happy...

it is late-night meeting with a friend for fries and wine and gossip. Sadly, I didn't bring my camera because... I'll admit, I didn't want to take any pictures with me in them, because I looked not-so-sweet.

But it turned out our snack was incredibly photogenic and I REGRET my lack of camera!
So now that I know we will have to go back for more.

As well as a new notebook from the school bookstore today, one of my favourite things.

This weekend I went to my dad's place in Hamilton so that I could study and write a paper.


First I drove in the car with these two old hippies, my dad and his friend. Shhh, don't tell the cops they are smoking a joint!


This is the view of Burlington.



It was that kind of weather.





When I got there I did crosswords, ate ice cream and took pictures of my favourite book.



I wore slippers all weekend and went grocery shopping.

My paper got almost finished.



Finally I had to head home. Sad! Being at dad's is so fun, relaxing and productive!

Things I like today:

+Listening to Legal Man and Judy is a Dick Slap on repeat



+Friends who loan you rubber boots and socks to get home in the rain, after you have gone out in suede shoes that aren't supposed to get wet

+weekly TV and spring roll dates that make you laugh and laugh

+Getting an "A" in a class I thought I'm failing

+York Commons is positively arcadian in these first days of spring

+A new book on learning Swedish

+Going to Sweden of course!!!

Sometimes I have to read my horoscope, and today it says "The sun's transit of the area of your chard that governs your vocation - that is, what you are destined to do with your life - urges you to be bold and follow your dream, not just for your own sake but also for the sake of people who depend on you".

Well that sounds good!

I went this morning to the new café beside my house on Dundas street, it's a Mexican café. It's so much nicer to get coffee and breakfast before school than to boil cereal and tea in my own dank kitchen. Why didn't I have my camera with me! I was in the habit of carrying it everywhere when I first got it, but I have mostly stopped because it makes my bag so much heavier. This place was so sweet with a bench by the window and blue and white china and a nice big mug of latte. I must go back with cam. Sweet coffee and pain au chocolat in a warm room with a rainy window and my polka-dot umbrella leaning against the wall outside and music playing, nice things like this help to put off the stress about school that is creeping around everywhere.

Also everything is green outside.

I spent the entire sunny afternoon in the library on the very hot fourth floor reading an entire book.

Bother.

Yesterday it rained all, all all day. After lying on the floor of the library trying to read I decided to skip my other class and come home. The bus smelled damp, mostly I could smell my scarf in my nose. It's technically a kefiyyeh from Afghanistan but I really don't wear it for any political association and wish there weren't any. When I got home I read an article on the couch and then fell asleep.
There's a skylight in our living room and I watched smoke floating above it before I slept. The wind was rattling it and it sounded like doors were opening and people walking around, even though I was home alone. I slept for an hour and was sorry to have to wake up, cranky to have to drag myself back from sleep. The apartment was cold because I'd left my bedroom window open that morning.
After having slept my face was flushed and looked soft and my bangs were pushed aside and eyeliner smudged. It looked good. I look nice after a nap. And the point of all this is to say I'm sorry there's no-one to see me when I wake up from napping in the afternoon.

Again, so soon, no? Afternoon phone call, "I'd love to do something today". A film, I cried, luckily I wasn't wearing so much make-up. Why did I cry about a goddam SS officer, sad or not? Hmph. Waffles on Yonge street and coffee until close (midnight?). Everything is pretty normal again, isn't it? We played American States and laughed a lot and talked about our parents and their sometimes still lingering love for one another.

I inadvertently went on the gayest girly date this afternoon, and it was pretty nice. It wasn't even really a date or supposed to be, but then in the streetcar on the way home I realised that when you go out for crêpes, and yours is strawberry, and then go to the AGO together, that's a screenplay of a date. Meanwhile The Shin's Chutes Too Narrow was playing in the crêperie, songs which gave me that silly smiling full-happy feeling.



I think this blog exists solely to give me an outlet for talking about That One, which is fine. We might go to the Leslie Spit next weekend.

I wanted to find a video of Belle & Sebastian's The Boy with the Arab Strap on You Tube to put here, because it is certainly my favourite song ever, of always. Most of the search results are people playing it themselves on their guitars. I couldn't think of anything sweeter.



The opening chords of this song give that warm rush of sweet happiness. I have listened to Belle & Sebastian so much, everywhere, that hearing their music just seems like part of me, always there anyways. This song reminds me of everything and ever. It makes me smile. It's probably the most perfect song of all.

c'était notre histoire



eh ben, c'était notre histoire

o! c'était notre histoire

je te dit

tout simplement, et je rit